diary of larke

– Awakening “Introspection is the language of the gods. I am under cold covers, glad to be alive. What is left to me I don’t know. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but my body’s furnace is working…I am a bubble of warm, self-contained life in an old, worn out bed in an old, decaying building with flaking plaster and dry, cold walls. Don’t touch me. I have a spirit. I am alive. Close your eyes and feel it. Rest. Drop your mind. Lose time. It’s Cold…”

– Three Switches “So, there are three rooms in this apartment, three sections of living quarters…funny how quarter means one-fourth. Three switches in this cold hive of human survival…three choices, three allotments of control. Need to use the bathroom, illuminate the bathroom, flip the switch, bathroom is illuminated. Done using the bathroom, done needing illumination, flip switch again, lights go out. Move to the kitchen. Need more illumination. Flip the second switch. Ah, illumination again. Done in the kitchen…move to the hallway, flip switch on. Wonderful lights. Oh, but before I leave, my memory arcs back to the question – is the kitchen light on? The most recent, therefore the strongest, image pressed into my brain is of the kitchen light being on. This discrepancy must be remedied…after all, I am a god of my own universe – if I can take advantage of the fact that the stars obey the movement of my finger, I should be happy to! (flick) Sublime, spiritual darkness again. Having this engaging mental activity freshly stirred in my brain, I remember to (flick) the switch in the hallway before closing the door. Complete control. Masterful destiny.”

– Liberated, Human Again “It’s all gone now. All the plans, all the stress, all the jokes, all the dependencies, all the fear of failure. It’s gone. I am a timeless, breathing, beating, warming, feeling, living being with no thought for the future, no persons to worry about, no places to go, nothing terribly important to do except be alive this moment – this eternal moment – and wait for the one who is coming to arrive. I don’t know him. I don’t even know that he’s coming. I believe he is coming. I don’t even know if he exists, but I believe he does. You see, I have decided that I don’t know anything. What I thought I knew, I now understand that I believed I knew it. Knowledge and belief are inseparable. You cannot know without belief. You cannot believe without trust, and you cannot trust without having faith. So, knowing that, I having decided to expect the arrival of someone that I will believe, because I trust him, because I can have faith in him. I expect him to arrive because I want him to arrive, and I believe that a trustworthy person would not instill a want in me without intending to satisfy that want, and I believe that a person that I can have faith in has the ability to satisfy my want.”

– Memorized Time “This, you see, is why I am insane. I decided that everything I was doing was utterly nothing – a complete sideshow, and not worthy to be remembered or discussed, analyzed or referred to. Since my activities prior to my insanity occupied the entire working conscious part of my brain, their inadmittance into the processor of my mind causes the consciousness of past events to be wiped clean, therefore erasing my perception of time. You will notice that I am writing with a strong tendency towards the present tense. This is a result of my insanity.”

– Larke wrote these words in 2019. Her diary was short. She was admitted into a psychiatric ward in 2020. It is not known if she continued to write before dying of self-starvation. She refused to eat for the last month of her life.